no-one's life is their own.

it seems like forever that ive been wandering the trails of internal luminosity, looking for a pattern, a key to ever unfolding rhythms of delight and disenchantment. many are the keys i have held in my eager fingers, many the doors they have opened, as i followed this scent and then that, further out and further in, always innocent of the compulsion to security. looking constantly for the hand that i could feel gently in my back, steering my aimlessness through the reefs of the world. a glimpse here, a sighting there. and now i see its fingerprints on everything. without exception.

i always longed for silence, yet could not hold my tongue. i hankered after stillness but was kept in endless motion. i dreamed of being a poet, a renegade, living outside the boundaries of convention, but without being feared or reviled. twas not to be. i have been reviled and i have been revered, i have been found perfect and i have been found wanting, but at the last i have found without any doubt at all, that i, and in this i am not alone, am to be found nowhere, certainly not in those momentary sparkles of light, swirls of shadow where you, also, have sought to define me. nothing but chimera, mirages all.

and for this i give thanks, to the people and the places that brought light into my shadows, and the places and the people who brought shadows to drive me into the light. i take nothing back, it is all and none of it, mine. for sure, i have my preferences, my favouritisms, but i know that i can afford such luxuries, for i am not the maker of my road, nor creator of the territory in which i roam, running still only for the delight and uncertainty of the moment. take feathers from my plumage and weave them if you will into the currents of your flight.

i dedicate the indecipherable poem of my life to all upon whose unwitting actions it has depended, most pertinently:

my mother, barabara, for giving me a love that knew no limit and an innate fascination with the unseeable

my father, humphrey, for giving me the space and support to take any direction i chose and an innate hunger for truth

my brother, robert, for protecting me when i crossed lines i could not see

my uncle, tim, for giving me the lens of yoga

ellen for teaching me how to recognise my own truth

timothy leary for inspiring me to look inside

bob dylan for asking me to look again

john lennon for teaching me the power of vulnerability

leonard cohen for teaching me the redemption in suffering

robert b for opening me up so ruthlessly

petar for digging in so deep

jodi for teaching me that love needs no formal expression

the isle of iona for taking me to the feet of god

grianan for giving me shelter wherein i found my wings

le prison civile de marrakesh for giving me the keys to freedom: stillness and silence

la principessa paolini for teaching me the meaning of respect

mike burns for showing me how i could give of the bounty i had been given

steve and jane for fertilising my faith in love, in life, in giving

jacqueline for giving me so much so easily, and asking so little

patrick for teaching me that the understanding that flows from love needs no language

william spear for teaching me the power of integrity

mike abrahams for teaching me the true meaning of generosity

rez ghari for teaching me the value of loyalty

blue for teaching me the price of trust

soten genpo roshi for giving me back my self

louise white for giving me space to find my way back into the world

maloviere for making me look again

india for giving me my roots

ibiza for giving me back my wild side

andy, for keeping me sane with a daily dose of inanity

my son, arum, for being such a good friend

anita for giving me the most precious gift of my life

bindu for giving me a love beyond measure, and understanding beyond price

kali for bringing me back to god, and giving me the most powerful key of all

alexa for re-opening my heart

mads for teaching me that true friendship is beyond circumstance

juan for showing me what it means to live without a veil

olivia for giving me back to love, life and laughter

peter yates for bringing unexpected comfort and delight

joe, malcolm, caroline, peter, jodi, jane and juan for teaching me that true friendship can last a lifetime

samanta for meeting me so playfully and so freely

cristina for being the stradivarian every teacher needs

joseluis for such tenacious and relentless intelligence, humility and courage

dana for the wisdom of a brave heart

elena for confounding all assumptions

many thanks be to you all